Get Your Sex Life Back After Having a Baby
9 tips from moms who have been there
"I'm too tired."
"Who has time for sex? I need to pump."
"Do we have to put it on our Google calendar?"
Those are just some of the comments I hear from new mothers on the topic of sex after motherhood, and I bet at least one of them is familiar to you.
The transition from being a couple without children to parents typically takes a pretty big toll on your sex life. Spontaneity, extra energy, tight tummies, and libido all seem gone forever, never to return. And many couples really struggle to revive an intimate, physically connected, satisfying sexual relationship after kids – which is totally normal.
Even in the most communicative relationships, sex can be hard to talk about. The subject is often joked about or argued over but not really discussed. Here are some suggestions moms have shared with me over the past two decades on how to make the transition to being sexually active parents.
Don't worry – it's normal. Every couple goes through tremendous changes in their sex life after having children.
Don't assume you know what your spouse is thinking. No one is a mind reader.
Talking is the best aphrodisiac. Getting close emotionally about the changes makes it easier for couples to reconnect sexually.
Your need for physical intimacy may be met by your close relationship with your baby, making additional physical interaction unnecessary or even bothersome.
Lubrication may necessary, be it wine or K-Y jelly or both.
Schedule it. Make it a fun and exciting private joke that Saturday naptime or Thursday nights are your time.
Fake it 'til you make it. Many parents feel resistant to having sex but once they push past that point, they're so happy they did.
One night alone can have a lasting effect. Line up those grandparents or good friends and go to a hotel with your partner. Or, send everyone else out and be alone together at home.
Don't assume your husband views your body negatively. Chances are he's being way less hard on you than you are being on yourself.
The added responsibilities, physical changes, and stress of parenting naturally shift your sexual desire and keep you from returning to your pre-baby sex life, maybe for a long time. Try not to focus on how it was, but more on how to make the present fulfilling for you and your partner. With just a little effort, you can.
A version of this article originally ran on the Soho Parenting Blog.